useless and useful.

coffee should come with grades so the masses can understand what they're about to do to themselves. the freeze dried mini-pellets of murky tangyness provided by the good people of this-is-the-cheapest-brand-available would rank 'e' for 'evacuant'. possibly because i have to use a bag and a half to two bags of coffee dust in order to catch a buzz on less than half a pot, it sends me into near convulsive twitches of the intestinal region. ugh.

usually the threat of this discomfort is enough to drive me from my insanely comfortable sleep/half awake cuddling (which always seems better after the first round of usually three snooze button fests) to make enough coffee to catapult me through the morning, but this was not one of those mornings. i shouldn't complain since i did this to myself, but christ on the hill this is tortuous.

i planted my little pots and window box full of greenery last sunday. tri-coloured sage, french lavender, oregano, lemon thyme, rosemary and portulaca. i wish i had more space, but the next door neighbors commondered my second window box for some plant or another that i'll end up taking care of when they lapse into their next inevitable drug addled vacation from reality. it's not such a big deal, i'm just not a fan of yellow carnations.

now how to put them to use.

lavender- relieves stomach ailments ranging from gassiness to nausea, promotes intestinal health, repels insects, eases tension and anxiety, is an antiseptic and painkiller among other things.

sage- anti-oxidant, anti-aging, anitseptic, anti-inflammatory, improves memory and digestive health.

oregano- reduces water weight, relieves fevers, eases cramps, kills bacteria, etc.

thyme- a powerful antiseptic and expectorant, eases bronchitis, chest ifections, gastritis, dyspepsia, indigestion, stomach cramps and asthma, calms the nervous system, induces sleep, dispels nightmares, lifts the spirits during depression and increases energy.

rosemary- strengthens memory, sharpens senses (especially sight), stimulates circulation, eases pain, soothes anxiety, promotes good digestion and has anti-aging qualities.

portulaca- is pretty.

p.s.- i found the world's smallest die at my desk just now. is this a sign from god? if so, way to be cryptic and nonsensical.

brambleberry rose.

i have been here, mostly. unraveling ever so slightly at the ends, sometimes the center. but the sweater was thread bare and everyone needs a little indecent exposure to show what needs to be fixed.

i want to ditch work and go lay on a blanket in the park with a stack of books (poetry, even though i don't usually have a passion for it) and drink wine and eat fruit and bread. i need to soak up the sun and repair what's set on it's side. i have been inside too long. i want to sleep in the grass like i'm still innocent and wrap myself around a brightness i haven't yet lost.

i feel vibrant and obvious and rash.
lush, if waning.
potent, if fading.
surging and blazing and
every other delicious swath of colour that paints me brighter than i actually am.
but what other words can describe without failing the agony and resplendence that is being here.

commit me, please.

In a way, I am anxious that it’s spring. This day remembers the springs that came before this one and how they fell warm in the sun cool in the shade across ceremoniously open windows. And it reminds me of the million miles an hour way that the rebirth rips my brain open and fills the new cavities with ideas. For the first time this season, my body feels too small to contain all of the lives and paths I carry. I want to hurl myself against the wall to force the possibilities burrowing in the tightening spaces around my lungs down or out to make room for things I have to do instead.

I think of butterflying my chest to see if alternate selves will swirl out in crimson satin ready to perform their version of my life.

This bug-under-skin insanity never fails to come as soon as the trees start to bloom. Is there such a disorder as jasmine blossom induced hysteria?