five.

i have been holding the ocean in my mouth like a fabled chinese brother. all the treasures and bounty of the sea lay bare on the sandy expanse where water once kept them secret. i swallowed it to show you everything i've been hiding, so that you could gather it up and take it away. but i can feel the waves press against my lungs and my heart and it's only a matter of time before the tide rises out of me to cover it all back again. so, please come back to shore before i drown you, because i have no brothers to save me from the death devices of the angry crowds.

it is not more than it is.

oh, eleanor, your promises lay flat against my heart.  in spite of it all, i can still feel the space where you laid your hands in rest across my neck.  i defiled my temples and abandoned my posts to keep that memory, the only one i have.  here, where i last knew that touch, i named you everyday in the blades of grass at my feet and the quiet pulse of blood in my veins.  eleanor, eleanor, eleanor...

i can recall an earth-warm place where we sat drinking tea and asking the winds our fate.  like a mist, your lilting voice spread wide and soft against the heavy night, a solemn prayer, a humble offering.  you heard a call and i followed you into the tangled wood, torn skin and skirt a small price to pay for the humming of our fingers as they brushed each other.  at the end there was only an empty field, a broken camp fled of dancing women and fortune tellers.  we scoured the ground for a sign and found a handful of coins.  the gypsy faces printed on the wooden tokens were a poor excuse for divination, so we took our cups and swirled our own tasted tea leaves to read our future path. the result was muddled and false.  so you left me standing there with the cups and the coins as you promised your way backwards and away from me.  

and i stood there as the world grew in around me, listening for the familiar tremble in my heart, waiting for you to come and find me.  i rooted myself down so that you would always have a home.  i stood silent under rain and snow and punishing sun so that you could always find me. but, even though i have been waiting for a thousand years, i can no longer remember who you are coming to find.  so i let the cups and the coins fall from my aching fingers and i lower my tired arms.  all the broken pieces lay like shattered suns across the kitchen floor, and i will not sidestep them today.  for all that will not appear or disappear, i lay myself open to see it tumble out- the cowardice and fear and schizophrenic crush of everything i cannot see clearly, just in blurs, as i fall/fly past.  

i will not wander the earth for you, i will not stay in this place til you come for me.  i will walk until i remember my own name and then i will stop and dance with the world and say 'thank you'.  

monday, monday.

i'd like to get the week started off right by over-sharing a little and then being hateful for half a minute.

last night after a dreary rainy day, hubbends and i finally retreated to bed. and with the window open and a light drizzle and breeze going... it was peaceful and calming and pretty nice. well, you know how it goes, snuggling turns into kissing turns into making out and all of a sudden neither of us was wearing any pants. all in all, the evening was turning out precisely how i wanted it to. and then-

living in an apartment building, no matter how charming and vintage-y cute it may be (and ours is), is not without certain inconveniences. and being that our bedroom windows overlook the parking lot on one side and the sidewalk between buildings on the other, let's just say that i've been privy to more than a few middle of the night shennanigans, including lesbian catfights, blackout drunk chicks and their sober boyfriends, urinating off of balconies, nasty breakups and much much more. i've become pretty adept at tuning it all out.

but last night around midnight, at the most indelicate moment, one of our dear neighbors rolls up and before the engine is even shut off i can hear wailing and screaming and out and out caterwauling from inside the car. it's an infantish child, less than a year for sure, screaming it's little head right off. fine, whatever, it's a baby and i can cope. i can think of a more romantic soundtrack, but how long could it take to pile it indoors? i've got my eyes pressed tight, trying not to lose momentum. and then the 'mother' starts SCREAMING at the kid and then says this, 'SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP...... THERE, NOW YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!' and the berating of the infantish child continues into the apartment where we can still hear it behind closed doors and across the parking lot.

f.y.i.- child abuse = instant mood killer every single time.

as if to confirm all of my hateful thoughts last night, today at work i arrive to find clients in a foul mood waiting to be let in. they don't have an appointment, so they're just sitting impatiently on the couches in the reception area until they can be worked in. they wander in and out into the elevator lobby to talk on their cell phone and eat a ridiculous amount of fun size kit-kats. their little toddler (2? 3?) follows them back and forth, not that they're paying any attention. anyway, one of the times they come back in to the office the door shuts between the mom and the kid, leaving him out in the lobby. he starts screaming and jiggling the handle, which he obviously is still to little to open fully. the mom keeps texting, sits down on the couch and starts unwrapping more candy. kidlette is crying pretty pitifully now. and NOBODY seems to notice. there are three guys and two women and they couldn't look or act less concerned. evenutally i get up, making sure to glower disapprovingly, and pick the kid up and bring him inside. i set him down and offer to get him a soda and a colouring book. the mom looks up and yanks his arm to pull him to her feet and says, 'boy, you is nothin' but a headache. you best sit there and be quiet. he don't deserve nothin', ma'am.'

....

i don't think that there are enough ways for me to shake my fists and grr and fume about the unwavering commitment to refusing to be a decent parent, fuck that, to being a decent human being that just seems to want to ruin any sort of faith in humanity that i might have.

useless and useful.

coffee should come with grades so the masses can understand what they're about to do to themselves. the freeze dried mini-pellets of murky tangyness provided by the good people of this-is-the-cheapest-brand-available would rank 'e' for 'evacuant'. possibly because i have to use a bag and a half to two bags of coffee dust in order to catch a buzz on less than half a pot, it sends me into near convulsive twitches of the intestinal region. ugh.

usually the threat of this discomfort is enough to drive me from my insanely comfortable sleep/half awake cuddling (which always seems better after the first round of usually three snooze button fests) to make enough coffee to catapult me through the morning, but this was not one of those mornings. i shouldn't complain since i did this to myself, but christ on the hill this is tortuous.

i planted my little pots and window box full of greenery last sunday. tri-coloured sage, french lavender, oregano, lemon thyme, rosemary and portulaca. i wish i had more space, but the next door neighbors commondered my second window box for some plant or another that i'll end up taking care of when they lapse into their next inevitable drug addled vacation from reality. it's not such a big deal, i'm just not a fan of yellow carnations.

now how to put them to use.

lavender- relieves stomach ailments ranging from gassiness to nausea, promotes intestinal health, repels insects, eases tension and anxiety, is an antiseptic and painkiller among other things.

sage- anti-oxidant, anti-aging, anitseptic, anti-inflammatory, improves memory and digestive health.

oregano- reduces water weight, relieves fevers, eases cramps, kills bacteria, etc.

thyme- a powerful antiseptic and expectorant, eases bronchitis, chest ifections, gastritis, dyspepsia, indigestion, stomach cramps and asthma, calms the nervous system, induces sleep, dispels nightmares, lifts the spirits during depression and increases energy.

rosemary- strengthens memory, sharpens senses (especially sight), stimulates circulation, eases pain, soothes anxiety, promotes good digestion and has anti-aging qualities.

portulaca- is pretty.

p.s.- i found the world's smallest die at my desk just now. is this a sign from god? if so, way to be cryptic and nonsensical.

brambleberry rose.

i have been here, mostly. unraveling ever so slightly at the ends, sometimes the center. but the sweater was thread bare and everyone needs a little indecent exposure to show what needs to be fixed.

i want to ditch work and go lay on a blanket in the park with a stack of books (poetry, even though i don't usually have a passion for it) and drink wine and eat fruit and bread. i need to soak up the sun and repair what's set on it's side. i have been inside too long. i want to sleep in the grass like i'm still innocent and wrap myself around a brightness i haven't yet lost.

i feel vibrant and obvious and rash.
lush, if waning.
potent, if fading.
surging and blazing and
every other delicious swath of colour that paints me brighter than i actually am.
but what other words can describe without failing the agony and resplendence that is being here.

commit me, please.

In a way, I am anxious that it’s spring. This day remembers the springs that came before this one and how they fell warm in the sun cool in the shade across ceremoniously open windows. And it reminds me of the million miles an hour way that the rebirth rips my brain open and fills the new cavities with ideas. For the first time this season, my body feels too small to contain all of the lives and paths I carry. I want to hurl myself against the wall to force the possibilities burrowing in the tightening spaces around my lungs down or out to make room for things I have to do instead.

I think of butterflying my chest to see if alternate selves will swirl out in crimson satin ready to perform their version of my life.

This bug-under-skin insanity never fails to come as soon as the trees start to bloom. Is there such a disorder as jasmine blossom induced hysteria?

i saw 8 million things.

it is true. i have been away. and now i have returned. older, wiser, with plenty of sun induced vitamin d highs to last me through may.

hawai'i was magnificent, as usual. the weather can only be described as perfect. the water is always calming. and the pool at our apartment sized hotel had a lava rock waterfall and was not chlorinated, it was salted. which was awesome.

david and i broke away from the moms and my sister and her bf for a day trip to hilo, a great little/big town if you're ever in the area, and we managed to spend a couple of days lazing by the pool and watching a scandalous amount of tv. i like to spend my vacations accomplishing as little as possible and soaking up as much selfish me-time as i can. i am almost always against tourist trappy 'events' like whale watching tours and luaus (yes, i did those things), but when someone else is picking up about 90% of the tab for the entire trip... you grit your teeth and bear it. sometimes you even have fun in spite of yourself.

and i learned fun little factoids. for example- dolphins hate aerosmith. it's true. at first i thought that the captain of our whale watching boat was using the 45 minute long, homemade aerosmith mix tape that played on loop FOR HOURS as bait. au contraire, mes amies. while it is true that i was witness to some serious dolphin and whale action, it was probably in spite of the soundtrack rather than because of it. i think all of the shit bombing, or really more like spraying, was their way of saying 'we don't mind coming out to play, but if you could change the tunes, that'd be great'.

also, i learned that the sight of a three ton hump back whale jumping and twisting out of the water (twice) less than fifty yards from me is enough to crack even my insurpassable veneer of un-effectableness. that is correct, i smiled in spite of myself. who knew. i will still mock all the bitches who ran out and bought gold dolphin charms and sea turtle tee shirts right off the boat, though. that will never change.

there were pictures also, i'm almost positive. they will be uploaded or emailed and then shared worldwide like anyone gives a damn. and you will smile and nod at the appropriate moments, and life will go on as it has always.

love and kisses.