tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76166648313870520352012-02-19T07:26:42.688-06:00self-indulgent vanity and unabashed loathing.schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comBlogger251100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-37654516536143882412012-01-15T23:17:00.001-06:002012-01-15T23:17:49.371-06:00

So now I let myself sink further away from the razor sharp slices of light cutting the surface of water, their pin points of gold still seeking the plane of skin until I have collided with the silted bottom and not even the weightless aquatic dance of my outstretched fingers graze their shafts of illumination.

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-9201800267099356682011-09-29T01:13:00.000-05:002011-09-29T01:27:12.056-05:00

The oceanic pulse roiled within the marrow of my bones and the quaking stirred what was left of the fire.  Desire I had metered out in strips like litmus paper came back bruised, crumpled in to several tiny balls each one blacker than the last.  Disparate and broken, the bloody pieces caged between my ribs bounce in their newly formed likeness. My punishment.

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-71194794361741396722011-05-31T16:04:00.003-05:002011-05-31T16:22:57.260-05:00

I smart at the suggestion that the thousands of seconds spent locked in a death defying standoff between dueling brothers can now be reduced to a shrugged shoulder dismissing the tension with a heft of breath and a noncommittal statement of nothing. I have written words enough to encase the universe with thread in commemoration of a phantom that stood guard as I slept in metamorphosis, expanding

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-87712968746899783652011-05-26T13:58:00.002-05:002011-05-26T14:07:37.343-05:00

The flight deck on flames, the burnt husk of a kamikaze pilot blackened and grotesque stares with infinite eyes into the fear of the king's enlisted men. It is in this moment that I come to know God. Stinging from the fumes of dead bodies, I rise above a scene frozen in the immortality of ghosts. Away above curls of smoke and vaporized flesh I flee the terror of my self-knowledge and seek

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-87959791439988552092010-11-09T10:39:00.003-06:002010-11-09T13:49:29.415-06:00

I'm being cradled. Orbs of light or chains, I can never tell. Held up against a blackness so complete in it's expanse that my chest weeps against it's cavity. I am extraordinary in my nothingness. A star as bleak as any other. Dimmed by the distance between my speckishness and the nearest reflection of fire. Orbiting, or being orbited?, until the pull began. A gravity amid the vacuum, a

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-59766997439178814622010-07-27T09:57:00.004-05:002010-07-27T10:46:09.928-05:00

I lie on a shore at low tide. I'm waiting, I think, for the distant sound of water to creep nearer until I am surrounded completely. I will stare at this sky until the liquid snakes across my eyes and into my body and I cease to know what a sky is. Then I will have come clear. Then I will no longer remember why there was such a tightness in the core. I will forget what it was that drove me to

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-29188225527092206802010-06-21T15:55:00.000-05:002010-06-21T15:56:36.695-05:00

There is a still part of the day when nothing has crept back in and I know myself. The air sits on my skin like an old friend’s embrace and I can feel what I am without questioning or second guessing. The danger comes from thinking it will stay, that quiet perfect hazy sun risen moment. And then it rolls forward. The weight of half a galaxy cradles me so soft that some days I can almost

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-78505566059544361622009-12-22T16:44:00.003-06:002009-12-22T16:58:17.642-06:00

Now for the words that cannot be spoken in polite company. The words that I won't say here. The words I won't say anywhere. But I remember blueberry blue and the smell of milk. And I remember the crushing end of nothing and so many things. A future, a beginning. But not mine. Yours.

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-27769899219036577372009-12-02T10:02:00.002-06:002009-12-02T12:02:18.198-06:00

Calpe, I'm calling your name and begging for clemency. I stand here, bearing your weight with a straight back and ask you to let me crumble. This monolith is tired and my calcite bones ache to put down their armor. Let me sink into the straits and lay with Moorish castles covered over by sand and salt.Take this moment and claim it before it disappears into the fog that tangles the view over my

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-67456354806816531092009-10-13T12:44:00.001-05:002009-10-13T12:44:39.465-05:00

The Trimurti Sadasiva stared impassively with three sets of eyes, a chameleons range of vision, at the pathetic pilgrim I'd become. Searching, yes, always searching for the thing I couldn't name with words or pictures or wild gyrations or dreams, I had arrived after so long at the altar of answered questions. So I opened my mouth to ask, and silence wound itself out of my parted lips like an

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-65774618113428142642009-06-26T10:45:00.004-05:002009-06-26T15:23:43.462-05:00

i have been holding the ocean in my mouth like a fabled chinese brother. all the treasures and bounty of the sea lay bare on the sandy expanse where water once kept them secret. i swallowed it to show you everything i've been hiding, so that you could gather it up and take it away. but i can feel the waves press against my lungs and my heart and it's only a matter of time before the tide rises

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-80765982574090916602009-05-14T18:40:00.003-05:002009-05-14T19:41:19.213-05:00

oh, eleanor, your promises lay flat against my heart.  in spite of it all, i can still feel the space where you laid your hands in rest across my neck.  i defiled my temples and abandoned my posts to keep that memory, the only one i have.  here, where i last knew that touch, i named you everyday in the blades of grass at my feet and the quiet pulse of blood in my veins.  eleanor, eleanor, eleanor

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-21518635028924844062009-04-20T16:56:00.002-05:002009-04-20T17:19:30.401-05:00

i have been here, mostly. unraveling ever so slightly at the ends, sometimes the center. but the sweater was thread bare and everyone needs a little indecent exposure to show what needs to be fixed. i want to ditch work and go lay on a blanket in the park with a stack of books (poetry, even though i don't usually have a passion for it) and drink wine and eat fruit and bread. i need to soak up

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-21314491060114879742009-02-14T11:04:00.005-06:002009-02-14T12:55:13.279-06:00

i wake with fire and acid.  and the  stalks of grass and the african dancers sway in time and push their visions toward me.  the full and pregnant moon whispers brush strokes curved and caressing and resplendent while my eyelids tremble in sleep.  for as long as a caught breath after an unexpected shadow, i hold these things of beauty in my hands.  they kiss my fingertips as they alight and fly

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-68737742420229475042008-10-31T10:28:00.004-05:002008-10-31T17:18:46.497-05:00

tonight marks the end of the light half of the year, the end of the most bountiful of the autumn harvests, the death of the sun god. and the mother will weep until the spring resurrects the blossoms like new birth and life erupts and thrushes across the earth in triumph.this is a time to take stock and prepare for the darkest months. gather yourselves up against the cold and void. now is the

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-87384986337617767272008-10-23T08:56:00.007-05:002008-10-23T12:14:33.507-05:00

everyone around the office is leaking from their face-holes and miserably acking and wheezing and moaning. actually, most people i know at the moment. 'tis the season for mucus death and whatnot.i've given out these two recipes a half a dozen times today, so i figured why continue this charade? i'll just post them on the internet and cut out the courtship period where you complain about how

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-90372146411274017042008-10-01T15:57:00.008-05:002008-10-01T19:02:20.078-05:00

last night i dreamed that d and i boarded a plane in new york city to fly home. during the taxi, we fell asleep leaning against each other. while we slept, i watched the plane crash on the brooklyn bridge. everyone died but us. we were preserved, we didn't wake up for hours. as we lay deep in the fitful slumber that i always find on planes, the fires burned out, the engines cooled. and when

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-39151785810931197122008-09-24T09:17:00.004-05:002008-09-24T11:05:05.148-05:00

i am that stupid softly rolling happy that courses safely under the fear of the other shoe dropping. it's not a manic high, but a boring joy. i'm in love with it. it feels long overdue and everything i've been hoping to find on the other side of tumult.it seems selfish to revel in oneself, but i do it unashamedly.darling d and i spent the weekend in the forest with the amazing b-dill and ay-d.

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-62671747476045341432008-09-15T12:39:00.003-05:002008-09-15T17:31:16.057-05:00

birthdays are the best because they give you an excuse to wax nostalgic and to revel in your you-ness. i've never been one for huge hooplas or blown out shindigs, but i do enjoy the company of a few good friends who'll throw in for a few hours worth of good conversation and possibly a few celebratory beverages. my darling d's birthday is today and this is our big plan for the evening. we'll be

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-66095851900688521772008-09-09T20:54:00.007-05:002008-09-09T22:28:48.748-05:00

the sun is shifting across the earth's north south axis with the changing season again and my kitchen window swells with sunlight and casts rainbows across the floor now.  i have such a small little life here.  but i'm learning to love it fiercely and devoutly in spite of its inconsequence.  i think that might be part of the grand point.  letting go of needing to feel like your thumbprint on time

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-14272565788634979692008-09-06T18:27:00.006-05:002008-09-08T08:34:05.938-05:00

the last time i was at a fair was in syracuse, new york. upstate white trash is such a different beast than down south white trash. it centers much more around cheap reproduction swords, faux hippie wall hangings and bad thrash metal and less around nascar, high school football and milwaukee's best. not that there isn't an element of that, of course. maybe it's because i grew up around the

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-58014656854976749602008-09-02T10:42:00.006-05:002008-09-02T11:50:36.451-05:00

if lily tomlin wanted to be my best lady friend, i'd let her.we could go on picnics and she could make me laugh so hard i peed. i would call her to ask how to handle things in the wittiest way possible and she'd tell me because we'd be friends and that's what friends do for eachother. maybe she would teach me how to be a funnier version of myself that people would want to have around at

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-23309912894840060942008-08-25T13:14:00.003-05:002008-08-25T17:26:59.148-05:00

whatever has become of me? far worse than realizing the way my hangovers seem to lurk in my veins far longer than they ever have, i begin to fear that i no longer am able to stay in my own head when i'm in my cups, as it were.perhaps i should just stick to pharmaceuticals.but the 'my so called drinking game' was an absolute panic. worth the moment of deep despair that came at 6:30 this morning

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-72022932521582390612008-08-20T14:18:00.008-05:002008-08-20T15:23:48.487-05:00

when you're a freak like me, you get a lot of stares. it's jealousy. i know it. everyone wants in on the secrets of my style.just how do i maintain my elegant blend of 'dressed in the dark' and 'homeless chic'? i've held out as long as i can, but i fear the time is come for me to reveal my sources.there is only one place on earth to acquire the sort of accoutrements that allow one to attain

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7616664831387052035.post-51644920824454106032008-08-16T20:27:00.004-05:002008-08-16T21:12:36.443-05:00

i learned a new word, or rather remembered an old one, the other day. gynophobia. it means 'the fear of women'. i always assumed that it had something to do with obgyn's, but i stand corrected. i don't know that i necessarily am afraid of women, but i suppose that up til recently i've held on to a certain nervousness (like when a non-parent holds an infant) around members of the double x

schmutzfynkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05582631570787887148noreply@blogger.com